How To Talk To Kids About P-O-R-N
How To Talk To Kids About P-O-R-N
Open, shame-free conversations can help families feel more connected
Using booster seats in cars.
Locking up the liquor cabinet.
Putting on sunscreen before heading outside.
There are many things that parents and caregivers do today to protect their kids that weren’t standard practice a generation or two ago.
As a health educator, I think it’s time to add another item to that list: talking to your kids about online pornography. Common Sense Media recently surveyed over 1,300 teens from across the U.S. about their experiences with online porn. Here’s what researchers found:
73% of teens surveyed said they have watched porn, either accidentally or on purpose.
The average age when they started viewing online porn was 12.
Most (54%) said that they first saw online porn when they were 13 or younger, and 15% said they had seen porn before they turned 11.
That’s the start of a new piece I wrote for ParentData, “Sorry, but It’s Time to Talk to Your Kids About Porn.”
In it, I explain why I think think these conversations are important to have, and provide specific recommendations for how to talk to young kids, tweens and young teens, and older teens/young adults. Here’s a video I made to let folks know about the article:
One thing I didn’t have space to cover in the ParentData piece: the fact that a lot of teens turn to pornography as a primary source for learning about sexuality.
Porn Doesn’t Provide Reliable Sex Education
Although explicit educational and “how to” videos exist, most porn on free tube sites is designed to be entertainment for adults, not an education tool for kids. That’s a point that Shafia Zaloom emphasizes in her book “Sex, Teens, and Everything in Between”:
“Unfortunately, the majority of young people in the United States don't receive comprehensive sexuality education that includes information on pleasurable and fulfilling sexual relationships. We also live in a sex negative culture that includes a lot of oversexualization, sex stigma, and body shaming so there are few positive and pleasurable representations of sexuality for young people. Many young people are curious about sex and how it works. As a result many young people turn to the internet and end up looking at porn to figure it out. That's like watching the Fast and the Furious to learn how to drive.”
There’s usually a lot missing from porn videos that is important in real-life situations. The short clips on porn sites often cut right to the sex, so viewers don’t see any of the things that typically come first, like kissing and non-sexual touch, negotiation about what the people involved actually want to do, boundary and consent conversations or discussions about preventing sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy. In heterosexual scenes, there is often an uneven emphasis on men’s orgasms and ejaculation - women’s pleasure and orgasms sometimes seem like a secondary consideration or are completely absent.
Another thing that’s often missing from porn clips is a close emotional connection between the people on screen. In real life, teens who try to have sex as quickly and casually as people in porn clips do are often surprised at the intense emotions that can develop in sexual situations.
Teens who are trying to learn about sexuality can benefit a lot from being introduced to reliable information sources. For example, Scarleteen has hundreds of articles, and offers message boards and live chat support for teens. S.E.X. The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties, by Scarleteen founder Heather Corinna, is one of my favorite books to share with young people.
Want to know more? Here are some of my favorite resources:
Big Thinking About This Topic
Common Sense Media: Teens and Pornography - a Common Sense Media special report
Scarleteen: Making Sense of Sexual Media
TED Talks: Dr. Emily Rothman: How Porn Changes The Way Teens Think About Sex
For Parents and Caregivers
Common Sense Media: “What to Do If Your Young Child Sees Pornography”
Common Sense Media: “Talking with Teens and Preteens About Pornography”
Huffington Post: How to Talk To Your Kids About Porn
Leslie Kantor: 4 Tips For Talking To Your Teens About Porn
Sex Positive Families: Porn Talks: A Cheat Sheet for Parents & Caring Adults
Scary Mommy: Your Teen Or Tween is Probably Watching Porn - Here’s What To Do
Amaze.org: Having The Talks Tip Sheets
In addition, several of my favorite books address this topic well
For Educators
ConnectSafely.org: A Guide to Teaching About Sexually Explicit Content Online: The Basics
Amaze.org: Porn is Not Sex Ed
Amaze.org: Porn: Fact or Fiction?
Be Real. Be Ready: Media Literacy & Sexuality Lesson
Health Connected: Porn Literacy Worksheet
3Rs.org: Fantasy Vs. Reality lesson
Boston’s Porn Literacy Course
I know starting these conversations can feel awkward, but as I say in the ParentData article, if you can stay calm and curious, talking about this topic can help bring you closer to your kids — and ensure that those lines of communication stay open through the teen years. Good luck, everyone!
— Christopher