What It Means to Be a Man Today

One man explores what it takes to live beyond his past experiences and actively create the life he wants to lead

Hi Readers! I’m so excited to be able to share this guest essay from social worker Justin Martinez. I had the privilege of working with Justin all last year when he worked at the Ever Forward Club and facilitated our Young Men’s Health Groups. Justin has become an ambassador for the Live Beyond campaign, which helps tell the public that even people who experienced a lot of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) can go on to have thriving, successful lives. Please give some big love to Justin! — Christopher

I spent years trying to be the kind of man I thought I was supposed to be: strong, in control, and always providing for my family. That image was modeled for me growing up, even when it came with pain. Being a man meant showing dominance, holding things together, and not letting anyone see what I was feeling. I carried that idea of masculinity with me when I was placed in foster care, and held onto it through school and into adulthood, shouldering more than most people knew.

For a long time, I believed the only way forward was to power through my hardships. I had survived so much already. What I didn’t realize was that the past wasn’t behind me. It was still living in my body.

In my early adulthood, I was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. I had a series of five surgeries and procedures to treat multiple joint degeneration. The childhood trauma I had buried kept showing up in my health, in my relationships, and in the way I viewed myself. I thought I had moved on, but I was still living in reaction to what had happened to me.

I started to heal by revealing what I did not give myself permission to feel. Therapy helped. So did movement. But what really changed things for me was learning to talk about what I had been through and hearing other men do the same. The more I opened up, the more I understood that being a man isn’t about suffering in silence or pretending my pain didn’t hurt. It is about finding purpose in my pain and choosing to grow from it.

The Power Of ACEs

I didn’t know it at the time, but what I was carrying had a name. Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, are things like exposure to violence, neglect, or living with a parent who struggles with mental illness or substance use disorder. The more of these experiences you have, the greater your risk for toxic stress, and other things like anxiety, depression, heart disease, and health issues later in life.

I wasn’t just trying to survive my childhood. I was carrying my trauma into adulthood, and it was shaping how I saw myself and how I moved through the world.

I’m not alone. According to a national study published in JAMA Network Open, 63% of U.S. adults have experienced ACEs. The study estimated the economic toll of ACE-related health conditions at $14.1 trillion annually, including $183 billion in direct medical costs and $13.9 trillion in lost healthy life-years. Like me, many people go through life unaware of how early trauma may still be shaping their health, behavior, and identity. That’s why awareness matters. You can’t heal what you don’t understand.

One example of how we’re changing that is Live Beyond, a public awareness campaign from the State of California that helps people understand what ACEs are, how they affect our lives, and how we can begin to heal. The campaign emphasizes the importance of creating space, especially for boys and men, to talk openly about their pain, resilience, and recovery.

Breaking cycles starts with naming what we carry and choosing a new way forward.

For me, that shift didn’t happen overnight. It took time to unlearn what I thought manhood was supposed to be. I had to let go of the traditional idea of masculinity, that being a man meant pushing down my pain or pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t. I had to stop performing strength and start living it by being emotionally open and transparent about what I needed while accepting help from others.

Breaking The Cycle

We’re living in a time where men feel disconnected, unsure of their place in the world, and uncertain about what it means to be a man today. The traditional rules of masculinity don’t apply in modern society, and no one has written us a new script. We have been taught that a man’s worth is tied to how much money he makes, what he can provide for others, how much pain he can endure without complaint, and how well he can control his emotions and the people around him. But that version of masculinity doesn’t reflect all of who we are or who we want to be.

To me, being a man means becoming a cycle-breaker. It means rewriting the script in ways that make room for comprehensiveness, self-compassion, and a connection to unapologetic authenticity. That isn't a weakness. It is the hardest and most important work we can do.

If we want things to be different for the next generation, we have to show boys and young men that you can not heal what you don’t reveal. Our childhood trauma is not our fault, and it is our responsibility to learn, grow, and heal from our wounds. That healing is not just possible — it is powerful. I didn’t get that message growing up. But I am working to live beyond it now.

That is what real strength looks like. And it is the kind of man I choose to be.

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Justin Martinez is an advocate for men’s mental health, and ambassador for California’s Live Beyond campaign, using his story to help redefine what it means to be a man and to support boys and men in healing from trauma. He works as a Wellnsess Counselor at Westmoor High School in Daly City, California.

• Follow Justin on Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and TikTok

• Follow Live Beyond on Instagram, Facebook and TikTok

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