Why We Need To Keep Talking About Consent
Steps we can all take to reduce sexual harassment and assault
Hi everyone. April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, an important time to work to increase our knowledge about sexual assault, harassment, and abuse, and explore how to create safe communities where everyone feels safe and supported. Today I’m featuring an essay by
, along with some additional resources for addressing this important topic with teens.If I Ruled The World
If I ruled the world, everybody and every body would feel safe, having never to even fathom, let alone experience, being sexually assaulted.
If I ruled the world, no matter our age, gender, or identity, no matter what country or culture we live within, nor our economic resources, our bodies would be seen, understood, and respected as sacred and autonomous vessels that are never to be transgressed upon.
If I ruled the world, every little girl would profoundly understand and embody the fundamental truth that her personal value is not predicated, nor tied to exchanging her body in order to receive love, attention, validation, acceptance, or self worth.
If I ruled the world, boys would be surrounded and raised by men who, despite and in light of their generally physically stronger physique, epitomize and consciously model gentleness, respect, and reverence for all people, especially those who are more vulnerable.
If I ruled the world, we would never again need to worry or fear that our children could be, might be, sexually harmed by a person whom we have been led to trust such as a family member, teacher, coach, camp counselor, or neighbor.
The Data: Adolescent Sexual Assault
According to the Journal of Adolescent Health, by the age of 17, approximately 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 20 boys have experienced sexual abuse or sexual assault. Over half of those offenses were at the hands of peers or peer acquaintances.
These numbers are frightening, but David Finkelhor, Director of Crimes Against Children Research Center, says that there are things we can do.
“Experts on sexual assault agree that education for young people is one of the most important ways to diminish the incidence of sexual assault: Among the tools educators use are lessons about consent, good decision-making, refusal skills and the empowerment of bystanders to intervene.”
The OMEGAS of Consent
Emily Nagoski, author of the NY Times best seller Come As You Are, has described consent to mean “when everyone involved is glad to be there and free to leave with no unwanted consequences.” And she describes no unwanted consequences to mean “no physical consequences, no emotional manipulation or guilt-tripping, and no relational consequences, no fight or threats of someone leaving the relationship or anything of that kind. Nothing should be contingent on having sex.”
Many moons ago, I attended a talk about the “Gold Standard of Consent,” which the speakers called the OMEGAS. This framework requires consent to be Ongoing and Mutually desired between Enthusiastic and informed partners and that it be Given freely at an Acceptable (legal) age by partners who are of Sober body and sound mind.
O — ONGOING
It is critical to understand that consent can be withdrawn at any time and that that withdrawal must be respected and honored. It is also important to understand that consent for one level of activity does not inherently translate into consent for another. In other words, an agreement to kiss does not equate into an agreement to have sex.
M — MUTUALLY DESIRED
It is not enough for one partner to want physical contact with another: Both partners must desire the specific nature of the contact. The only way to know this for sure is to ASK. Body language is NOT reliable!
E — ENTHUSIASTIC, INFORMED PARTNERS
Physical contact — everything from holding hands to kissing to having sex can be great fun and a positive part of a relationship IF both partners are enthusiastic and informed about any risks. This requires a willingness to talk about it. If you’re not ready to talk about it, you’re not ready for the contact.
G — GIVEN FREELY
Coercing a partner into having physical contact by either words or actions constitutes criminal behavior. Consent given only because “everyone is doing it” or you manage to convince a partner that they’d do it “if they really loved you” is not freely given. If one partner is not ready or not willing on that occasion, consent has not been freely given.
A — ACCEPTABLE AGE
In order for consent to be valid, it must be given by someone who is old enough to give it. This will vary by state. For the laws of your state please visit www.rainn.org.
S — SOBER BODY & SOUND MIND
Alcohol and drugs as well as mental health challenges can impair a person’s ability to provide meaningful legal consent. In order to avoid legal issues, misunderstandings, or harm, it is imperative that both parties are sober and sound prior to engaging in physical contact.
Take This Seriously
Nothing, absolutely nothing, about sexual assault or sexual harassment is funny. Based upon statistics, too many of you reading this essay right now have been sexually assaulted and/or sexually harassed.
I have been both.
This is not someone else’s problem. It is not a female problem. It is a human problem. It is all of our problem. And as adults and parents, we have a powerful role in catalyzing a solution.
Do — Talk to our children regularly about the OMEGAS of consent. I literally have had it posted for the last several years next to our family values in our kitchen. My children are reminded of the importance, necessity, and criteria of consent almost daily.
Let’s raise feminists and let’s teach refusal and upstander skills to our children. As Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie wrote,
“The best feminist I know is my brother Kene, who is also a kind, good-looking and very masculine young man. My own definition of a feminist is a man or woman who says, ‘Yes, there is a problem with gender as it is today and we must fix it, we must do better.’ All of us, women and men, must do better.”
Let’s learn more about the topic so that we can be teachers and leaders in our family and in our circle. Perhaps start with the Joyful Heart Foundation’s quiz, How Much Do You Know About Consent?
Don’t — Let the warped versions masculinity portrayed on screen or by influencers, such as Andrew Tate, be the example that molds our children’s norms and views of acceptable behavior and expectations.
With love and support,
Whitney R. Westcott
Don’t Be That Guy
MenCanStopViolence.org is a website and education toolkit designed to engage men to prevent sexual assault. Watch this 60-second video and use these questions to prompt discussion with students. The website lets users sign a pledge not to be “That Guy,” and provides resources for those who need support or want to do more.
Can Sex Education Really Help Prevent Rape?
In this January 2024 issue of Teen Health Today, I looked at the striking research says that comprehensive sex education is one of the most effective tools we have to reduce sexual assault.
A 30 year meta-analysis of studies on the effectiveness of sex education found, among many other benefits, that quality sex ed reduces the odds that students will be the perpetrators or the victims of violence. It also increases the likelihood that students who see others being targeted will do something to interrupt the abuse. We can also say the inverse is true: failing to teach sex and relationships education in schools increases the odds that students will hurt and be hurt by each other, and that they won’t intervene when they see abuse happening.
If you’re interested in consent, sex education, or sexual assault prevention, I encourage you to read the whole thing.
How To TalK With Boys Like A PRO
Have you noticed that your boy can be kinda tough to talk with?
Especially about school, social media, video games, chores, and, well, just about everything?
This is super-common (and super-annoying)!
You want a close, connected relationship with your son, and you want him to know that he can talk to you about anything.
But most boys don’t make it easy! One-word answers, grunts, and closed (slammed) doors are typical barriers boys use to protect their privacy and KEEP YOU OUT!
It is possible to break through your son’s barriers – but it takes understanding and persistence.
My friends, Jennifer L.W. Fink & Janet Allison, co-hosts of the ON BOYS Parenting Podcast, are offering a three-part series that will help you:
bust through your boy’s resistance
increase his trust in you
foster a closer connection between you
This is your opportunity to personally tap into their 40+ years of boy-expertise!
“Talk with Boys like a PRO (about anything and everything)!”
Wednesdays: May 7th, 14th, 21st
10-11:15 pacific / 1-2:15 eastern
$149
with REPLAYS & additional RESOURCES always INCLUDED!
Registration & all the details HERE
This is your opportunity to troubleshoot and brainstorm with Jen and Janet, and other parents of boys.
Jen and Janet will help you adjust your approach, so you can really connect with your son.
THE CLASSES:
Wednesday, May 7th: How to get him to REALLY LISTEN to you (without nagging or losing your cool)
Wednesday, May 14th: ANSWERS to the TOP questions you WORRY and WONDER about (including friendships, lack of motivation, school resistance, porn and screen time)
Wednesday, May 21st: How to respond to him when he’s WITHDRAWN, has big emotions, is sad, angry (or just about anything else!)
When you learn how to talk with your son, everything is easier!
Learn successful boy-friendly communication techniques and experience the peace and contentment that follows when your son feels heard and understood.
Ready?
Recent Teen Health Today Highlights
What Teens Need To Know About Choking During Sex
Seven must-read stories about mental health, sextortion, vaping, and more. Plus: Is it really bad to rinse after brushing your teeth?How To Bolster Boys' Social Skills
Practical ideas for keeping boys connected and thrivingTeens Are Sharing Deepfake Nudes Of Their Classmates
Eight must-read stories on how hard it is for young adults to stop vaping, the effect of sleep on teen mental health, the stress teachers are under today, and more.Teaching Teens How To Use Condoms Is Messy, Funny, and Awkward - And Totally Worth Doing!
The case for hands-on condom practice as part of health class
How Dr. Lisa Damour Helps Adults Understand (And Appreciate!) Teens
Lessons from America's Teen WhispererThank you for reading! A special thank you to those of you supporting Teen Health Today with a paid subscription on Substack. Your generosity is the sole reason I’m able to devote so much time to this project. Remember that teachers get a 50% discount - Christopher
P.S.: Another way to support Teen Health Today is by purchasing books through our page on Bookshop.org, where we feature many of the books discussed in this newsletter.
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The Men Against Violence video was incredibly powerful. Look forward to sharing it with my 13 year old son this evening and downloading and signing the pledge. So many great resources. Thank you!