Boys, Let's Talk About Sex

All boys and young men deserve realistic, comprehensive sex education

Hi Readers!

I’m thrilled to share this new essay I wrote for The American Institute for Boys and Men, the trailblazing organization started by

Richard V Reeves

.

It’s up on the AIBM site and reprinted here with permission. I encourage you to sign up for the AIBM Newsletter and check out the rest of its commentary section, which has featured writers like

Ruth Whippman

,

Emily Oster

, Lisa Damour, Jonathan Haidt, and

Daniel Cox

, and regularly has stories that might interest Teen Health Today readers, like:

• The social benefits of gaming for boys

• Building a mental health system with men in mind

• What Adolescence gets right and wrong about incels

I hope you enjoy these reflections on a topic that’s very important to me, boys and sex education.

Big love,
Christopher

P.S. This is a great time to preorder TALK TO YOUR BOYS, the book I co-wrote with

Joanna Schroeder

! Preorders mean a lot in the book publishing world.

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Boys, Let’s Talk About Sex

For a recent talk to a group of students, I used a number of props: condoms, wooden penis models, lubricant, information on pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP)—the HIV-prevention pill, a birth control kit filled with samples of the pill, the patch, the ring, and different types of intrauterine devices (IUDs).

The audience? Teenage boys.

For many of these boys, who are part of a young men’s health group, most of the lesson should not have been entirely new. In their San Francisco school district, all students get a basic overview of pregnancy and pregnancy prevention in their 9th grade health education classes, along with lessons on healthy relationships, sexually transmitted infections, human trafficking, and a slew of other mandated topics.

Since 2016, the California Healthy Youth Act has required that all public schools in the state teach comprehensive sex ed at least once in middle school and once in high school. There are similar laws in Oregon and Washington, but there are only five states in the country that require comprehensive sex ed.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that all young people should have access to comprehensive sexuality education, and even supplies a list of what should be covered:

• Consent
• Cyber solicitation/bullying
• Healthy sexual development
• Body image
• Sexual orientation
• Gender identity
• Pleasure from sex
• Sexual abuse
• Sexual behavior
• Sexual reproduction
• Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
• Abstinence
• Contraception
• Interpersonal relationships
• Reproductive coercion
• Reproductive rights
• Reproductive responsibilities

But even in 2025, some states offer sex ed that focuses on abstinence.

More Sex Ed Please

Back to my demonstration lesson: If these boys already learned about birth control, why are we teaching it again? Well, the students in this group received those lessons during 9th grade, so for the juniors and seniors, it’s been two to three years since any adult at the school has reviewed this material with them.

That’s why, when I was planning out the curriculum for the young men’s health groups, I decided to include a full lesson focused on sexuality education. Most of the rest of the content in these small groups, which are co-facilitated by Ever Forward Club, focuses on supporting the social and emotional development of boys, encouraging them to connect with one another, and to think deeply about the kind of men they want to become.

The boys in these groups really get to know and feel comfortable with one another, and when we teach sex ed in this context, it creates lots of openings for conversations that might not otherwise happen.

On the day of my presentation, I let the boys know right away that this was going to be a participatory lesson, and that I had enough supplies for everyone to get to be part of the condom demonstration.

Hands-on practice can be a little embarrassing, but it’s the best way for teens to learn a skill that might save their lives. If they can get comfortable handling, opening, and rolling down a condom in a classroom setting, they are more likely to use a condom correctly when they actually need it.

I know from talking to boys that the discussions they have at home regarding sexuality and safety often aren’t very detailed or specific, if they happen at all. Some boys say the only sex talks they get from their families are the declarations shouted to them as they head out the door, things like “be safe” or “don’t get anybody pregnant.”

Boys need more support than that.

Sex Matters

Parents sometimes say that they are waiting for their son to ask questions, or that they don’t bring things up because they “don’t want to make anyone feel awkward.” Maybe they assume school will be covering things in a sex ed class, but in many places, that is just not happening.

Why does this matter? Well, sex is one of the fundamental ways that humans connect with one another, and can be a source of great pleasure, joy, and fulfillment. Of course, it also carries a relatively high degree of risk—it can contribute to heartbreak, infections, and unplanned pregnancies. It is also only one piece of the bigger puzzle that is the topic of sexuality—which includes things like attraction, desire, orientation, gender, and behavior, all of which deserve some attention, and are part of a comprehensive sex education program.

Our society often signals to women in heterosexual relationships that preventing pregnancy is primarily their responsibility. If we want things to feel more equal, we will need more men to step up to share in this effort, and we need to start talking to boys about the many options now available to prevent pregnancy. We may also want to incorporate advice from Gabrielle Blair and her wonderful book, “Ejaculate Responsibly,” which makes the case that if we really want to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies, we should be focusing a lot more on the people releasing sperm into the world.

Condoms remain the easiest protection method for boys and men to access and use, and they have many benefits—they’re inexpensive, can be used spontaneously, and they are effective at dramatically reducing the risk of both pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

I like to remind teenagers that condoms can be combined with other birth control methods for extra protection (“it’s like a seatbelt and a airbag, or a belt and suspenders”), and that using them provides a natural “pause point” during potential sexual activity, where they can check in with themselves and their partner to make sure everyone is feeling good and all activities are fully consensual.

In addition to condoms, boys should become familiar with other common contraceptive methods, like birth control pills and patches, and IUDs. It’s important for boys to understand how they work, how effective they are, and how much effort it takes to use them well. Birth control needs to be a seen and shared responsibility.

Good Sex Ed And Good Sex

Specific single-day lessons like the one I delivered are fine, but they can’t replace a full comprehensive sexuality education unit. That’s important, because comprehensive sex ed is one of the most effective—and most underutilized—tools we have to help boys develop empathy, practice ethical decision making, and cultivate a sense of personal responsibility. It is very effective, not just at reducing unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections, but also at helping students understand consent, avoid sexual harassment, and establish healthy relationships. Research even shows that sex ed in high school can be a powerful rape reduction tool.

A related topic that schools are increasingly being asked to address with students is pornography, especially in light of studies that show that the majority of young people ages 13 to 17 have watched pornography online—and some have seen it by age 10 or younger. A comprehensive sex ed unit provides a place where a topic like pornography can be addressed in an age-appropriate way by providing media literacy skills training and helping students navigate this challenging issue. Schools can also provide guidance and support to parents who want to talk about this at home.

In places where comprehensive sex ed isn’t provided in school, families may need to seek out additional resources and support. Luckily there are some excellent organizations that provide this education, like The Boys’ Institute for Growth, Sex Ed To-Go, and Sex Positive Families.

Another place that sex ed lessons could potentially be included or increased is as part of sports participation, through programs like TeamsOfMen and Coaching Boys Into Men.

This option is may seem especially important in light of the findings in “Prevention Is A Team Sport,” a report from ItsOnUs based on a survey of college athletes: The athletes were unaware of what healthy—and unhealthy—relationships truly look like: “Participants struggled to label characteristics of a toxic or abusive relationship they experienced or witnessed, particularly while the relationship occurred.” The male athletes in the survey said they want to do all they can to prevent sexual assault on campus, but no one has shown them how to be active bystanders.

Here’s the bottom line: Boys deserve accurate information about sexuality and development. I believe that education about sexuality should be happening both at school and at home. We should work to make sure sex ed is being taught well in their schools, while at the same time exploring options like taking them to private classes on this topic, or training sports coaches to incorporate sex ed conversations into their practices.

Making sure boys get this information is an important and practical step we can take towards building a more equal society, and it’s worth dealing with a little awkwardness along the way.

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