How To Connect With Teen Boys
A lot of people are worried about adolescent boys right now. Here are some of my best suggestions about how to better connect with them.
Hi readers! I am busy with back-to-school trainings this week (I’m going to be teaching high school health education in a new school district), and I’ve been thinking deeply about how we connect with teenagers.
I learned a lot while researching and writing Talk To Your Boys with Joanna Schroeder, and I’m always grateful to share some of that knowledge with new audiences. Recently, ParentData asked me to update an article I wrote for them that’s proven popular on the site, and I’m glad to be able to share an except with you here. I hope you find some peace and joy this week!
Big love,
Christopher
Why Adolescent Boys Are Struggling
I served as an advisor to Common Sense Media on its “Boys In The Digital Wild” research, which surveyed over 1,000 adolescent boys across the country. Nearly half of these boys said they “believe they must follow unwritten rules. like not crying or showing fear. to avoid being teased or picked on.”
That survey also found that three in four boys age 11 to 17 regularly encounter masculinity-related posts about building muscle, making money, fighting, dating and relationships, or weapons (even when they don’t go searching for this content), and that boys who encounter more of these posts are lonelier and less open about their feelings.
What can parents do?
If you have a young son, it may be useful to spend a few minutes thinking about his future. Imagine him at 25. At 30. At 40. At 50. What kind of relationships do you want him to have? How do you want him to treat people? How would you like to see him deal with conflict? How do you imagine him contributing to his community?
When I do this exercise, I get a pretty strong image in my head. I want my boys to become men who are connected to their feelings and are comfortable expressing a full range of emotions. I want them to be able to maintain supportive, caring relationships. I want them to have a sense of purpose in life, and to actively look for ways to help others.
Making that future a reality requires teaching some specific skills, and doing a lot of listening. Throughout the tween and teen years, parents need to do everything they can to stay engaged with their boys and keep the lines of communication open. When your son is talking, put your phone down, nod and ask clarifying questions, and don’t rush to fill awkward silences.
Learn about their world and their interests. Let them tell you about the songs, memes, games, and videos that have their attention. Try to stay curious rather than giving advice or passing judgment.
Establishing this rapport will make it easier to talk about more challenging topics, like sexual harassment, consent, or drug use. If you are having trouble introducing more substantive topics, try these conversation starters from the Global Boyhood Initiative or pick up a deck of “Cards For Masculinity” from Next Gen Men.
Continue Reading (there’s a lot more!) in ParentData.
Talking About Boys On Wisconsin Public Radio
For parents, raising boys to be good men has always been a daunting task, and the internet and other cultural factors have made it more challenging than ever. Jennifer L.W. Fink the author of the book “Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World that Misunderstands Males,” and I joined the Wisconsin Public Radio show Central Time to talk about how to raise boys in today’s climate. LISTEN NOW
I was grateful to be included as one the experts providing advice in this KQED Mindshift article by Phyllis L. Fagell — Christopher
6 Ways Educators Can Bolster Boys’ Social Skills
At a time when rates of loneliness are rising among young adults and researchers report that 15- to 24-year-olds spend nearly 70% less time socializing in-person with friends than they did two decades ago, boys face some distinct challenges.
For instance, in their 2021 report, “The State of America’s Boys: An Urgent Case for a More Connected Boyhood,” researchers Michael Reichert and Joseph Derrick Nelson note that boys feel pressure to conform to societal expectations about masculinity, such as being stoic, dominant and competitive. That may help explain why boys are more likely to experience physical and verbal bullying and why they’re less academically engaged than girls.
Here are six ways educators can help boys acquire the skills and traits they need to strengthen their relationships and thrive at school. READ MORE
Boys Are Suffering Too. Here’s How We Miss That.
Dr. Lisa Damour, whose work we featured recently in Teen Health Today, recently wrote this very smart essay for the American Institute for Boys and Men. I found this section especially compelling:
Parents and educators now routinely ask me how they should respond to the growing interest of many boys in the broadly offensive ideology of internet influencer and self-proclaimed misogynist Andrew Tate. I always find myself navigating a double reaction in these conversations. Personally, I am appalled to think that some boys are letting themselves be taken in by this material. Professionally, I know from nearly thirty years of clinical practice that no kid who feels good about himself becomes drawn to hateful worldviews.
For most of us, it’s easier to feel compassion for those who suffer from anxiety or depression than to summon sympathy for those who hole up in dark corners of the internet, compulsively gamble or play video games, act out, or spout hate. Further, the externalizing symptoms which boys are more likely to exhibit are often addressed with nothing beyond a disciplinary response, especially for boys of color.
But if we are going to do right by our boys, we need to see past the negativity on the surface to recognize underlying distress that deserves our compassion and help. People who feel whole and worthy don’t build themselves up by degrading or hurting others, and those who have healthy strategies for managing life’s inevitable challenges don’t need to soothe themselves by getting lost in pornography, video games, or gambling.
Thank you for reading! A special thank you to those of you supporting Teen Health Today with a paid subscription on Substack. Your generosity is the sole reason I’m able to devote so much time to this project. Remember that teachers get a 50% discount - Christopher
P.S.: Another way to support Teen Health Today is by purchasing books through our page on Bookshop.org, where we feature many of the books discussed in this newsletter.More stories about teen boys in the news
Recent Teen Health Today Highlights
How Did Cigarettes Come Back Like This?
Why are so many people lighting up now? PLUS: The parent of a school shooter faces sentencing, ADHD linked to social media use in boys, and thoughts on Jimothy.
What Teens Say About Phones In Schools
How much should students’ ideas influence the discussion?
How To Talk About Immigration And America
Some big questions to think about during America’s 250th birthday party
The Cast Of “This Is Us” Shares Our Parenting Advice
How “acting like a cat” may help you connect with teens
